it seems like everyone has a bf/gf/thing nowadays. theyre all so busy with them that they dont have time to be a real friend to anyone anymore. im glad theyre happy and all, but its not whats best. relationships are hard because you have to juggle so much and keep yourself balanced. youre not supposed to get around it by just picking one thing to jugglel; there are no shortcuts in life. i just want people to notice i exist, you know? i try to be friends again with several people, but it isnt working because they all have significant others and dont really have time… am i the only one noticing this? im not like directing this to just me, nor am i directing this to anyone in particular. there are many people doing this, and there are other people being ignored im sure

sometimes i can still feel it. a little buzz in the back of my head. just remember it’s gone now. its just a mood. i hope its just a mood. im not sad, im just less than happy at this moment. its like im okay now because i pushed myself forward, i left all the negativity in me behind, but theres this little spec clinging in the back of my head. sometimes it messes up my thoughts. sometimes it makes me think bad things. but i can turn it off because im better now. 

i should have just destroyed it. thats the only way to really get better. you cant run, it’ll always be right behind you. i thought you could just force it away, but im not so sure. like i said before, im still better, i just have this fear that even though i expelled it its still alive, i never destroyed it.

man, last night was so bad. my body and brain literally reject the THC in weed. you should have seen me. i was tripping balls. it was not a mind trick. i tried to calm myself because i knew i was only high and itll be okay if i just chill out, but it didnt help. i became physically ill. ill see if i can walk through what happened.. I was with Matt and his friends and i took one pretty big hit from his minibong and was already starting to feel it after i stopped coughing. i went off to the woods to try and find sage at the campfire. I was walking and eventually thought i was lost. i became confused, lost my sense of direction almost completely and started to become delusional  thinking i had been walking too far and got lost in someone else’s yard. after a bit i snapped out of it and decided i needed to just lay down and relax, so i went to my car. on my way there sage called me asking me to get him his beers from my car and meet him at the fire because he wanted to stay. i couldnt really talk coherently, but i kept muttering things like “dude i just cant” “i gotta just sleep” “i dont believe this man, im too high”. i actually didnt even reach the car long before sage got there too, but he just got the beers and went back. i just wanted to sleep and get rid of the high. i felt like absolute shit at that point. i remember at one point i had felt my pulse and my heart was pounding really hard really quickly, it was beating probably about 4 times a second (i tried tapping on my desk at that speed and it resembled pretty closely to how it was beating). my hands felt cold against my face. i literally thought i was dying. it was then that i threw up just outside my car door. my body sort of calmed down after that, but the feeling would come back every now and then for like 30 minutes until sage came back and drove us back to his place. i ended up throwing up twice more in the next 30 minutes: once on sages floor and again in the toilet. it was like every time i moved around too much id get sick. id had bad nights off weed before, but this one takes the cake. im not kidding when i say i felt like i was literally going to die and in my mind i was thinking about what a shit way to go it was. i was tripping balls, no doubt, too. it isnt normal to hallucinate from weed. its hard to remember what i saw, but it was like i was dreaming, only this was too real. i remember at one point in the car i kept making these noises. id understand that i shouldnt be making them and i tried to stop, but i would start hallucinating again and start making strange sound effects again. i couldnt control it. anyway theres no other explanation that fits besides my body had rejected the THC and was more or less shutting down the way it does when it rejects anything.

im like a 5, but all the girls i like are 7-9s. im almost sure i either just dont click on their radar at all or they dont realize im a person. either case is not very fun. i want a friend thats a girl. not a girlfriend. it sounds like i want a girl to have relationships with or hook up with, i know, but its not the case. its just nature to want to be around cute people, in human dna. i guess my biggest desire in life at the moment is to have more real friends, mates.

Im pretty much better now. Im pretty sure. I think about some sad things on occasion but i can snap myself out of it. When i think about it, i still hate all the same things about myself and would wish myself a different person, but its like i see through a new perspective now. I still think im not very attractive and of course i wish were a more likeable person so people would pay attention, but ive more or less accepted now that i just have to live with it, because its not going to just poof change. ive accepted that i might be alone most of my life unless i get lucky. ive accepted that i have some mental deficiencies and am less mentally and physically capable than a lot of other people. you just gotta kind of stop trying to be someone else and accept yourself for who you are. its okay to be a little ignorant (depending on what the topic is of course). so like i said, im like pretty much better. its all still there, i just choose to deal with it instead of being sad for myself. Also dont think about things that made you sad when you were depressed. just dont do it. snap yourself out of it. keep negative thoughts as far away as possible and eventually your mind will leave them alone.

Things to do before summer gets into motion: get fit again, meet new friends, become better friends with new people, do drugs because why the fuck not, give up on school, stop being so lazy, buy a boat (maybe), and sort some things out

ive had so many hormones going through my body lately its ridonk. theres so many girls i have these friend-crush things on. its not like i want to date them id really like to be friends. but at the same time i really just need someone who wants to fuck but not get serious with because a girlfriend is cool and all, but not my top priority at the moment. seriously why does everyone cute have to already have a guy they’re involved with?

blehh sad episodes of skins puts me in down moods. Ill talk anyway because its on my mind

sometimes i wish i had more friends most every day of my life. you know, like real mates. (mates because friends are just friends, but mates are your real friends) Im like doing really fine being mostly by myself and hanging with sage most weekends, but its not the same. i want to be part of a clique. I want to have friends to talk to and just hangout with and to belong with. Sage is great, hes my best friend, but we dont ever talk about things and rarely just hangout. He likes to go out and party and all that and i think its good for me to get some of that in my life, but hes like my only real friend at the moment. I dont talk to anyone really, unless im in person with them already like at work. I love Clara and i try to hangout with her and to get back into being mates, but she’s like so caught up in her relationship that shes pushing away everyone else.. I miss all the people i used to know. I miss when i had people to hangout with whenever. like i said, im doing fine, but its just lonely sometimes, you know?

I am not ashamed of my scars. I think they are as much a part of me as my own arms. They are a testament to growth, recovery from a dark past. Im just not really looking forward to having to explain to every person i take my pants off for what happened. Practically no one even realizes that i was depressed. Zoopidy poopidy zippers are very unflattering for guys, but itll save me the hassles